31 Days of
Drafts and Darkness: VOL 2!
"13 Ghosts" (2001)
Much like the previously discussed "House on Haunted
Hill", tonight's entry is a modern remake of an older film. Also
from Dark Castle, the 2001 edition of "13 Ghosts" falls victim to all
the same 90's era issues I talked about for the "House on Haunted
Hill" remake. Everything's gotta be bigger, louder, and more slick. The
characters must be fast-talking and the gore cranked up. Camera shots blur by
so quickly you're not even sure what you just saw at times.
"13 Ghosts" suffers more than
"House" for one big reason: the centerpiece of the film is, and
always has been, the titular ghosts, themselves. We came not for the perils of
Tony Shalhoub and Shannon Elizabeth, but rather to learn about the history of
each lost soul and how they came to be so twisted.
The creators of "13
Ghosts" designed intricate backstories for each spirit. These stories are
ten times more complex and interesting than the main cast and let you see many
of the ghosts in a more sympathetic light. Problem is, we center too much on
the human characters and only see the ghosts for a few minutes here and there.
With a 13% on RottenTomatoes.com, I don't think anyone
claims "13 Ghosts" is a 'good' scary movie. So tonight, I'm picking up the shield in the film's defense.
It has issues, but the sheer creativity on display with the creature
effects, makeup, and lore are too interesting to let collect dust.
The Plot:
Much like the 1960 original, "13 Ghosts"
starts with a family receiving news of their eccentric uncle's passing. Said
uncle hadn't talked to the family in years and was always thought a bit of a
wacko. Fortunately, he happens to have been an uber-wealthy wacko with quite
the generous inheritance: his mansion.
His nephew, Arthur Kritikos (Tony Shalhoub) and his two
children are in dire need of a such a windfall. A widower, Arthur's wife died
tragically in a house fire, so a change of scenery seems perfect. Not knowing
much of his uncle's past, Arthur moves his family into the new house. The place
is a marvel, but very unusual. Many of the walls are made of glass and marked
with strange symbols. Everything seems linked to a system of pulleys and can
move around. Entire rooms can change shape as walls slide in and out.
Once the Kritikos family learns the true nature of the
mansion, the bizarre architecture becomes disturbingly relevant. Arthur's
deceased uncle Cyrus used this house to hold and display his collection. Of
ghosts. Each is an angry spirit that died horribly and wants revenge. The
capture of the house's most recent exhibit cost Cyrus his life. Granted, our
heroes come to realize this only after getting trapped within.
Now, alongside a
sleazy lawyer and pair of ghost hunters, Arthur and his family must figure out
how to get out alive before the twelve resident ghosts get to them first. What's
that? You say the film's title is "13 Ghosts"? Well, you'd be right.
So who's the 13th spirit? Yea, like I'm going to spoil that one.
The Flavor:
Okay, I came here to defend the film, so I'll start by getting the flaws out of the way. Each shares a common theme in detracting from the best part of the
movie. Actually the entire reason I'm reviewing the film. The ghosts,
themselves. All the attempts at slickness turn our cast from characters into caricatures.
Each snickers with all the dimension of a paper clip. The lawyer is slimy and
scheming, the Dad protective, and the housekeeper sassy. The
film's cast of human characters is a walking array of adjectives.
Now, plenty of horror gets away with bland characters. Few
slashers give their cast much depth outside of archetype (the jock, the
jokester, the bad girl, etc.). They don't need to develop the human cast
because no one came to watch the human cast. We all came to see the masker
killer/creature wreck havoc! Much of the effort goes into making the monster a
grand spectacle or murderous force to be reckoned with. And tonight's film has twelve,
twelve ghosts on which to center that spectacle. And yet, we focus on
the human cast.
Let us take a good look at the creatures you put so much
hard work into, filmmakers. The series of quick cuts and over-caffeinated
camera movements gives only brief glimpses of the horror. I get that it's
supposed to be disorienting and in-your-face, but the effect lessens the
overall screen time each ghoul has to shine. And they're worth the price of
admission alone.
It's probably obvious by now, but the ghosts are far-and-away
the best part of this movie. The group of specters the filmmakers and effects
artists assembled is a ghastly and inspired array of tragedy, rage, and
psychosis. Each is unpleasant to look upon, but in an entirely unique way. The
Angry Princess is a beautiful woman who's figure is decorated only by horrific
slashes. The Hammer is a former blacksmith who had his own nails turned on him.
The Mother and Son are respectfully minuscule and obese creatures that evoke
just as much sympathy as they do disgust. Just the look alone of each ghost
tells an entire story about them. Serious kudos to the makeup artists and
designers. These things look incredible.
"13 Ghosts" is worth it just to see the ghosts,
themselves. It's like having twelve movie monsters all in one film. Again, it
irks the hell outta me that more time wasn't given to their backstory. Every
one of the ghosts has a fully developed history behind it, but in order to find
it, you'll have to dig into the extras on the DVD or check out YouTube. These
tales are ghost stories that add fantastic depth to each creature and
ironically bring them to life.
They give the ghosts and the actors that played them the
respect and attention their characters deserved.
Best Paired with:
Fans of the horror genre will love the display of gory
artwork each ghost presents. The range of diversity among them is huge and each
could honestly star in their own scary movie. I'll also give the film a hearty
recommendation for its gore, which is pretty damn creative. To this day,
"13 Ghosts" has one of my favorite horror-movie kills. It's a manner
of execution I've never seen done in another scary movie and is equal parts
stomach turning and inventive. Let's just say those glass walls are awfully sharp.
For the casual viewer, "13 Ghosts" offers a fun
ride through a well designed haunted house. I'd be remiss to leave the house
itself out of my talk, because it's beautifully-crafted technical beast. So
long as you're willing to role with its more eye-rolling moments, you'll have a
good time with the movie. Crack open a couple beers and sit back to soak in
some cool ghost stories.
Accompanying Brew:
In the end "13 Ghosts" has its flaws but enough
creativity and spooky fun that I believe it deserves another shot. Tonight's
accompanying brew takes your traditional Octoberfest lager and cranks the
sweetness up a notch. Consider it a 'too-the-extreme' version of your typical
Fall fare.
Name: Oktoberfest Lager
Brewery: Berkshire Brewing Co.
Where Brewed: MA
ABV: 6.8%
Style: Octoberfest Lager
For those that like sweet, less bitter beers, this
Octoberfest is a tasty choice.
Color: A deep copper, far darker than plain orange. Imagine
a slight rusty tone.
Amora: The scent is much as you would expect from a robust Octoberfest:
rich malt sweetness with a nutty background. Mouthwatering.
Taste: Surprisingly sweet, even considering its malty
character. There is a slight nutty undertone, along with a slight roasted
quality, but it's far less noticeable than the sweet flavor. Perhaps I'm
getting less fond of sweetness. Any stronger, and I might find this beer too
cloying in flavor. As it is, it's just sweet enough to be boldly so without
overdoing it. But if you like your beer more sweet than bitter, this is your brew.
Aftertaste: The sweet flavor does carry into the aftertaste,
where a mild hoppiness arrives to help tame it. As the sweet flavor fades away
on the tongue, the hops get more pronounced. They cleanse the palate to keep
things fresh and interesting. The final flavor you're left with is a combo of
those hops and the maltier, slight-nutty taste of the background malts.
Body: Light-to-medium body, made a bit more heavy by the
sweeter flavors.
Pair: Rich Winter/Fall stews, lamb, savory dishes, warm
apple pie.
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