31 Days of Drafts and Darkness:

"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" (2012)

I know, I know. It just shouldn't work. With a concept so undeniably cheesy it could be grated over pizza, "Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" should be pure schlock. Then you sit down to watch it, expecting campy delight. And while the camp is there, you'll soon find yourself saying: "...this is a lot better than it has any right to be.

Yes, "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" is a B-movie at heart. However, it accomplishes something I can think of no other B-movie doing. For all the fluff, the cast plays things 100% serious, as if this is actually how history went down. It sounds like the makings of comedy gold, but miraculously, it works. Soon into the film, you find yourself forgetting the dumb concept and get swept up in all the period-piece adventure.

The Plot:

Turns out the history books were wrong: Abraham Lincoln's mother did not die of milk disease. In truth, she was attacked by a vampire when Abe was only nine years old. Growing up in a rough world and with vengeance in his heart, Abraham Lincoln swears revenge on the low-life that 'poisoned' his mother. When he finally confronts the killer as a young man, Abe learns that vampires are very real and quite dangerous.

Our young president-to-be is saved by Henry Sturges, a self-proclaimed vampire hunter who knows his way around a stake. He offers to take Abe under his wing, teaching him the ways of the slayer. Stubborn as  Lincoln is, he accepts the offer, taking an old wood-cutting axe as his weapon of choice. In this lore, vampires are allergic to sliver, so Abe melts some of the molten metal over the edge for added oomph against the undead. 

Taking up a quiet job (read: cover) as a clerk, Abe seems like the typical everyday workingman, only going on hunting sprees by nightfall. Occasionally he makes time to study law, too. You can probably guess what that leads to.

Flash forward through years and politics, and Abe's presidency sees him uncover a dark secret about the Civil War. Vampires have allied with the Confederates, hoping to claim the North (and ultimately the rest of the continent) once the war is won. Dressing up as soldiers, the vampires are able to shrug off musket-fire like mosquito bites and tear through Union troops with ease. The North is starting to buckle under the might of these supernatural armies. And so Abe begins a quest to equip his army for a new sort of enemy.

The Flavor:

Wow, even as I go about writing that plot, I'm made aware of how silly it all seems. And yet, be it from genuinely sincere characters and/or interesting little tweaks on history, "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" manages to be completely enjoyable without making you laugh at it. The movie's extreme action scenes and odd charm actually hook you from the get-go, so while you'll be constantly entertained, you'll never find yourself mocking the film.

With large-scale battles and a sense of history in the grand, epic form (rather than accurate), "Abe Lincoln" sweeps you up in its alternate but bad-ass account how the Civil War was really won. That this Abraham Lincoln is equal parts passionate orator and fierce fighter only serves to give the character a superhero-like persona. For all the cheesy-potential, actor Benjamin Walker plays Abe with a swashbuckling sort of vibe that fits the film's atmosphere. The whole cast could've phoned in their performances, but there's not a drop of sarcasm in any of their acting. They actually sell the story, so serious are they in their roles.

With ample vampire-based gore and some neat fight choreography, "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" has just as much action/adventure as it does horror. The vampires are suave when they wish to be, but can turn feral and ferocious at a moment. This helps to make them more threatening, as we're never sure when the fangs are about to come out. Abe's axe-jitsu is also a tremendously fun style of combat to watch. Using the weight of the axe-head, Lincoln swings and spins the sliver blade through vampire flesh like it were butter. Bloody and totally over-the-top. 

Best Paired with:

A pure Friday night movie, "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" is best watched with a fun-loving friends and a bunch of unhealthy food. Order up some pizzas, making sure at least one is garlic-lovers, and have yourself an axe-swinging good time.

Whether this makes for Halloween family night viewing depends on how old your kids are. I wouldn't recommend this film to young children, as there is a fair amount of gore, but teenagers are sure to eat it up.

Accompanying Brew:

Too easy:

From Clown Shoes, located right here in Massachusetts, comes tonight's aptly-named brew of choice: Vampire Slayer. Coming in wine bottle-sized portions (though 4-packs come out in March!), Vampire Slayer is made with darkly roasted malts, some of which are smoked over hickory and ash wood. 

The bottle claims that this wood is taken from 'vampire-killing stakes', and that there's holy water in the beer, too. Who knows, perhaps this brew will protect you from vampire attacks while you drink?

Pouring a 'light-shall-not-permeate' black, Vampire Slayer's an imperial stout both in body and flavor. The body is heavy. The texture smooth. And the ABV is high, at 11%. As such, when partaking of this hunter's stout, take your time and sip slowly.

If you're a fan of Guiness, you'll instantly recognize the deep roasted flavor of the malts. But two other tastes will appear on your tongue as well. For one, the higher alcohol gives Vampire Killer and sharply sweet note that goes well with the dark malt. Many imperial stouts have this bite. 

However, most lack the next flavor you'll run into. With a portion of its malt hickory-smoked, Vampire Slayer has elements of a rauchbier (German smoke beer) imbued into its flavor profile. The smoky flavor is first covered by the roasty quality and sweetness, but as the initial taste fades, the smoke character makes its presence well known and leaves a nice savory aftertaste on the tongue.

Got some vampires that need a-slayin? Grab a history book, a sharpie, and a bottle of Clown Shoe's Vampire Killer to go with "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter".