31 Days of Drafts and Darkness:

"Sand Sharks" (2011)

For every steak there exists a greasy burger. For every bottle of scotch, slowly savored, there's a college kid downing vodka and Red Bull. You may enjoy both options, depending on your mood. Scary movies work in the same way.

Welcome to the B-movie.

While certain films establish chilling atmosphere or tension, others exist as cinematic junk food. You'll feel bad after watching, but oughta have a fun and braincell-free time before the credits role. We walk in expecting horrible acting, bad special effects, and a plot written in crayon. It's not quality we're looking for in B-movies. Rather we want to have a good time laden with as much high-fructose corn syrup the filmmakers can toss onscreen. Hell, in most cases, the worse the movie is, the more enjoyable it is. So bad, it's good.

Note: Tonight's entry is on the Netflix list of Instant Streaming choices if you so choose to watch.  

The Plot:

The title sums things up well, but I'll elaborate. The little island of White Sands depends on tourism to keep its economy going. Things have been slow for the last few years, and the island's businesses could use a financial boost. Enter Jimmy.

Jimmy grew up on the island but left many years ago to seek riches. His main strategy involved get-rich-quick schemes. Not the best choice. 

Now in serious debt to some unsavory characters, Jimmy's returned to White Sands with intent to hold the biggest, wildest Spring Break event the world's ever seen. Expecting the cash-clutching coeds to arrive in hordes, Jimmy hopes to simultaneously pay off his debt and help out the town. But more pay off the debt. Actually, screw the town, Jimmy just wants the money. He's slimy like that.

Poor old scheming Jimmy is in for a nasty surprise when an subterranean earthquake rocks the island. If scary movies have taught us anything, it's that underground earthquakes free prehistoric beasts. And so, awoken from their slumber, the sand sharks begin their hungry rampage on the island of White Sands. Covered in rocky scales, they're able to swim through water and earth in equal measure. Even a Spring Breaker who makes it to the shore doesn't stand a chance. That dorsal fin will keep on coming.

Jimmy does everything in his power to keep the Spring Break event going, but the sand sharks are making his party-goers rapidly disappear. If he wants to earn his fortune, he'll have to deal with these monsters first.

The Flavor:

 "Sand Sharks" is made of pure liquid stupid. I stumbled onto this film while scanning Netflix, and the moment I caught its title, I knew I was in for a big bag of celluloid Cheetos. On that level, "Sand Sharks" does not disappoint.

As a creature feature, "Sand Sharks" occssonally gets to show off some neatly-designed sharks. While the idea of them swimming through the sand is silly, it's surprisingly amusing to watch a CGI fin chase someone across the beach. But as a B-movie, "Sand Sharks" has a small budget, so while you hope for dino-sharks left and right, in actuality we more often only see a fin or two, hear a "CHOMP", and find the victim has vanished, with maybe a bit of blood left over to tell the tale. The few moments we get to watch the sharks chow down on Spring Breakers are fun, but are far fewer than the cut-away kills and goofy sound-effects.

The acting is naturally over the top, with characters either yelling or mumbling lines with the zeal of a Chinese food menu recitation. As fun as the two-bit Jimmy is, my favorite character has to be Brooke Hogan's (Hulk Hogan's daughter) marine biologist. Never failing to don a bikini or cut-off shorts in the name of science, Brooke's character is our exposition machine. She'll find a drip of shark blood, and within the space of a scene, will have figured out every nook and cranny of sand shark biology, taxonomy, and evolution. 

Through science. And stuff.

Remember, by B-movie logic, science = magic.

Don't let my making-fun discourage you. "Sand Sharks" was never meant to be anything more than a cheesy ride. It's more than aware of its innate silliness and basks in the glory of it. If you're looking for a fun piece of entertainment to relax with, "Sand Sharks" has that old B-movie charm. I wouldn't be surprised if the film showered in Mountain Dew.

Best Paired with:

Do not watch this film alone. Not because it's scary, but because you'll want people to laugh along with. Invite as many folks over as possible, let them know what they are in for, and start cracking open beers. The more people, the more fun. Though "Sand Sharks" provides ample comedy, it delivers even more ammunition for commentary. If you've ever watched "Mystery Science Theater 3000", you'll know exactly what I mean.

If your friends or significant others are looking for a more serious picture or straight-horror, "Sand Sharks" will make them roll their eyes backwards. This is a pure amusement park ride, devoid of substance. Easy as such films are to scoff at, one can't deny: they're just plain fun.

Accompanying Brew:

 While "Sand Sharks" is a low budget, my choice of accompanying brew is no cheap swill. Easy as it would be to recommend some watery beer to go along with this film, I'll pick a brew that fits the theme while sticking to quality.

Dogfish Head Brewery is known for putting out higher-end ales of a widely experimental nature. I've seen Dogfish Head tinker with more exotic flavors than perhaps any other brewery, and much of the time, the result is something delicious and wholly unique. For Halloween, Dogfish Head's pumpkin brew is more along the classic lines, though ups the bite. How appropriate.

Dogfish Head Punkin houses plenty of the spices and sweetness we've come to expect from a pumpkinhead ale. The beer is well balanced, allowing the hops and spices to play well together. The pumpkin flavor is pleasant and not drowned-out by the other flavors.  As you sip, you may also notice that the sweetness has some sting to it. There's a reason.

Punkin is described as a pumpkin-themed brown ale, but it's alcohol content is more akin to stronger imperial-style brews. At 6.3% ABV, each Punkin packs more alcohol than the beers most folks are used to. That's important to keep in mind, because the brew's so smooth and tasty that you'll happily down multiples before it hits you.

For a sweet, spicy, and high-quality beer that'll make for a rip-roaring time to enjoy along "Sand Sharks", turn to Punkin. Keep its strength in mind, either as a precaution or recommendation. Inebriation might very well enhance your enjoyment of tonight's film.